


Healing a Broken Soul; Recovery

by Rowanmoonlight



Series: Family is a Purple Bus [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Male Friendship, Memory Loss, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Recovery, Sad Remus Lupin, Sad Sirius Black, Self-Hatred, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:35:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29054502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rowanmoonlight/pseuds/Rowanmoonlight
Summary: Peter Pettigrew wasn’t dead. But he wasn’t alive either. Sirius Black was alive. But part of him was dead too. Had died on a Halloween over a decade ago with his best friend and during twelve years in a prison of despair and lost hope. But Sirius Black was stubborn and brave and he would heal and live again.And Remus Lupin was going to help him.
Relationships: Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black & Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter
Series: Family is a Purple Bus [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1860721
Comments: 4
Kudos: 106





	Healing a Broken Soul; Recovery

**Author's Note:**

> I finally finished this a few days ago and decided I may as well post it before TWoF is finished. This fic is part of a series and contains spoilers for the end of the first fic in the series.  
> Potentially triggering content! This is a sadder fic focused on recovery and healing, please read the tags.

“Sirius Black is cleared of all charges and is recognized as a free man.”

-

Lupin Cabin had been Remus’s final childhood home. He had moved constantly until his father, Lyall Lupin, secured a house in the woods when he was nine, far away from any other children or wizards who may discover his terrible secret. Far away from anybody but his muggle mother, who despaired for his curse and died much too soon, and his wizard father, who pretended so well but not well enough that he didn’t hate the beast that lurked under Remus’s skin. It was a safe childhood. A lonely one. And now it was home.

“Remus, have I, have I been here before?” Sirius was trembling slightly, “I don’t remember if I have.”

“It’s okay Sirius, you came here once when we were sixteen.” The Marauders had spent just one night there, all four of them piled into the two bedrooms and tiny cabin. Sirius had planned it for weeks.

The confirmation only brought more confusion, “Sixteen? What, what happened when I was sixteen?” Vague. Several things had happened when they were sixteen, including Sirius nearly making Remus a murderer. “Something important happened. I don’t remember! Why can’t I remember? I remember pain and cold and purple and then warm. James. What happened Remus? What happened to me? Why me?”

As Sirius sobbed into his arms, Remus wasn’t so sure he was still talking about being sixteen. “You ran away from home at sixteen and went to live with the Potters. Sirius, look at me.”

Watery gray eyes met amber brown. “You are free now. You are safe. And we will heal, together. Are you with me?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m with you. Gosh, I’m so sorry Moony-“

“You shouldn’t be sorry. You should be sitting down and drinking your tea and enjoying your first day as an officially recognized innocent man.” Remus gently pushed Sirius into a comfy chair and covered him in a soft Gryffindor blanket and handed him the plainest tea he had. His tastebuds were not fully used to real flavors yet but they would work on it. They would be working on a lot of things.

-

A hairbrush loosely held in one hand, Sirius was staring blankly at the bathroom mirror. Remus watched as he gently touched his long hair that was matted and dirty. He set down the brush on the counter and took a deep breath, clutching marble so hard it seemed as though his fragile hands would snap.

Remus slowly pushed open the door the rest of the way. Sirius whispered, “It’s so ugly now. I don’t even recognize myself.”

He lifted a bony hand to trace his protruding cheekbones and deep eye bags, the slightest of wrinkles and stubble on his chin. “When I went to Azkaban I was twenty two years old. Now I’m thirty five. I don’t look like me. I went twelve years without a mirror and I don’t recognize myself,” His voice was quiet but filled with emotion. Sirius Black did not know what he looked like anymore.

Remus took the hand that was resting on Sirius’s gaunt face and held it. He did not have words of comfort or reassurance to offer here. He could not give back the twelve years that Sirius should have had to age gently. “Do you want me to brush it?” He said instead.

“Please,” The strangled word escaped before Sirius could stop it. “I mean. Yeah, that’d, that would be nice, I think.”

So Sirius sat on the edge of the tub as Remus gently brushed out mats and grime. He sat in the tub as Remus rubbed his scalp raw of dirt. He sat on a stool as Remus gave his hair a precise trim to his shoulders. And when he stood and looked in the mirror again, the reflection looked a little more familiar. And Sirius felt clean again.

-

Sirius was curled up on his bed, head between his knees and sobs wracking his chest. “What’s his name what’s his name what’s his name,” was repeated over and over, his voice raw.

“Sirius?” Remus carefully called from the doorway. It was only the third night and he had already learned that stepping too close to Sirius during a significant memory search could be dangerous. He had not yet seen one this awful.

“WHAT IS HIS NAME! I DON’T REMEMBER! I DON’T!” Sirius screamed at the ceiling, head jerking up and sending long black hair flying. “Why can’t I remember?”

He curled in on himself, tears running down still sunken cheeks. “His name, it’s important. I loved him so much and I can’t remember.”

Remus wanted to cry too. There was only one name that could be the missing one. It left a hole in his chest and weighed down his soul. How could he heal this broken man that used to be his best friend? Twelve years and distrust and betrayal had separated them. Could the gap even be bridged? Yes, it had to.

Voice tired from three sleepless nights, Remus quietly called out, “It’s James.”

Sirius’s body stopped shaking and he turned over to stare at Remus. His eyes were glassy and doll like, not the confident gaze he used to wear during school or the teary ones when he left home or the determined ones he had when flying into battle. These eyes were lost and scared.

“James,” Sirius repeated, voice hoarse. “James. James. James. Prongs. Thank you. Moony, come here please.”

And Moony went, sitting on the bed beside Padfoot. They held hands and Sirius clutched Remus’s fingers like they were the last bit of land in a dark sea. Eventually they lay back down on the bed, the tangled sheets evidence of the earlier breakdown. “I can’t do this,” It was whispered in the way shameful admissions are, but this should not be shameful. “I can’t even remember his name sometimes. What if I just forgot everything one day and it never comes back? What if I forget James and Harry and you?”

“I’ll stay with you always, even then. But that won’t happen because you can do this. We can do this. We always pull out in the end and this will be no different.” Remus desperately wished that his words would come true, that Sirius would absolutely recover with nothing more than the comfort of an old friend and a few mind healing sessions. But life and pain and healing was not that simple. But Remus would stay, and they would do it together.

“Okay. Okay. Thank you Remus, for staying with me, for believing me, for everything.”

“Of course. You don’t need to thank me. Now, go to sleep, you have to face Healer Plunkett tomorrow.”

Sirius groaned but his breathing evened out as he slipped back into unconsciousness. Remus pulled the sheets over them and was not so lucky. He lay there in the darkened room, embracing his oldest living friend (because Peter was not living, not really, just breathing, and that was not enough), and hoping that life would be kind for once. But life was only occasionally kind to Sirius Black and rarely to Remus Lupin.

-

“I need to kill it! It needs to die!”

Remus raced into the kitchen, wondering if Sirius had finally cracked and decided to murder the toaster that he still couldn’t figure out. Instead, he was on his hands and knees on the white tile floor with his face mostly stuck into a cabinet.

“Uh, Sirius?”

Sirius startled, banging his head into the top of the cabinet. He withdrew and scowled, “Warn me next time!” His face softened, “Oh, did I scare you? I’m sorry Moony. Heh, I guess this does look a bit weird doesn’t it?”

“Well, yes. What, what exactly were you doing screaming into the cabinet for? Did you lose something? Is there some important memory that has to do with the pots?” Remus eyed the pots and pans, they seemed as normal as ever and thankfully undamaged.

“Oh no, it’s just a spider.” Sirius’s face then comforted into an expression of rage, “And I need to get rid of it! It needs to go, to die!”

“I see.” It was just a mood shift day. Generally harmless, sometimes utterly confusing. “Well I’ll get it out of the house for you. Is that okay?”

“Yes, yes,” He said impatiently. “It just needs to go.”

Remus carefully extended a hand into the cabinet and waited. After a minute or two the tiny spider curiously crawled onto his hand. Opening the window he gently set the spider down outside. “There you go, the spider is gone. Better?”

Considerably more calm, Sirius sighed in relief. “Thanks Moony. You know I still resent you for getting perfect scores in Care of Magical Creatures. It’s not fair.”

“Are you going to tell me that being a werewolf is cheating again?” Remus asked wryly. That had been an interesting conversation in fifth year. It involved a jealous Sirius and eventually Remus throwing the textbook at his face and a night in the Hospital Wing.

Sirius snorted, “Nah, I think I learned my lesson with the first bruised face.”

“When have you ever learned a lesson?”

“True. And, Remus, I’m sorry for freaking about the spider.”

“Hey, it’s not like you can help what your emotions choose to focus on. And if I could deal with a pregnant Lily and anxious James I can deal with you.”

Sirius snorted, “Do you remember how freaked out he was when her water broke?”

They spent the afternoon sitting in the sun on the kitchen floor, sharing stories and memories, not minding if Sirius overreacted to some parts or if Remus shared new stories about Harry.

-

It was the night of the full moon. The first full moon since that fateful night, to be more precise. Remus had been unable to buy any wolfsbane and would therefore not retain his mind during the transformation. Sirius, rich and concerned friend that he was, had offered to buy some. Remus, of course, had refused. Why buy something so expensive when he had managed without it for years? To ease his pain was not a good enough answer.

“Moony, please, let me join you tonight.”

“No, Sirius. If you require any assistance a werewolf certainly will not be able to help you. It’s better if you ask to stay with Healer Plunkett. Even staying alone would be better than with someone who can’t understand.”

“But that’s not all, is it? What’s wrong Moony? I did it for years. I know Moony. I’ve seen you countless times.” Sirius’s begged.

Remus shifted uncomfortably. “Of course it’s not that, I know you’ve seen me as Moony before. But it’s different watching it. You’ve never seen my transformation.”

“Oh. Is that it? Come on Remus, I can handle it. It might even make it easier for you.”

And against his better judgement, Remus allowed it.

When the moon rose and Remus doubled over, he instantly regretted it. “Moony, are you okay? Is it happening? Should I do anything? Can I help? Moony?”

“No,” Remus panted, “Just- stay still, be- be quiet. Noise is- is bad. No- no distractions. Makes it worse.”

Sirius let out a short whine that sounded almost exactly like Padfoot’s. And when Remus clutched himself and  screamed he screamed too. But Remus couldn’t think about it, pain completely blocking all thought. His bones were breaking, rearranging and growing and shrinking. This was the most painful part, his skull and rib cage resizing. It felt as though he were on fire, he couldn’t breathe for a few seconds and then all human thought disappeared.

-

“Remus? Remus, please wake up. Remus, Remus please don’t- I can’t- no I can’t do this.” There was someone crying above Remus, and the familiar burn of his oldest friend, pain. “I can’t lose you too, I can’t, Remus, please, I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please don’t- don’t leave me alone again! I’m sorry!”

His eyes snapped open as soon as the words registered. Remus tried to push himself up to hug the sobbing Sirius, but his chest exploded in pain and he blacked out for a second.

“Holy shit, Moony, fuck. Are you okay? Fuck, fuck! It’s been so long since I’ve done this.” Sirius seemed to have realized that Remus wasn’t dead. Which was good, except Remus still felt like he was dying.

“Fucking hell!” He cursed as he groped as his bare chest. Deep gouges ran across his already scarred skin, as if the wolf had tried to completely rip itself apart. Blood was beginning to pool on the floor. “Sirius! Sirius, listen to me.”

Gray eyes snapped to attention. “Go- go to the kitchen. There’s blood replenishers in the potion cupboard. Can you do that?”

“Yeah, yeah, I can- I can do that. I can do this.” Sirius sprinted away and Remus let himself gasp from the pain. The full moons usually weren’t this bad unless it was around the anniversary, or a birthday, or some other important occasion that he should have shared with four others but spent alone. So. Quite often.

“Here you go Moony, go on, drink up.” Remus tossed back the potion with ease that came from years of taking the most foul healing concoctions ever made. “Alright, alright. Next step. Healing spells. Yeah, I can do that. I’ve got this.”

Sirius reassuring himself of this wasn’t particularly comforting, but at least he had done this before. Remus could remember stumbling back to one of the Order hideouts, collapsing against Sirius and spending hours in agony as his almost unhealable wounds were patched up. Those days had ended the next year, when Remus started taking too many missions from Dumbledore and Sirius kept disappearing and their friendship crumbled. After that he healed himself, even if James would have helped with no hesitation.

Finally, the blood stopped flowing. “Remus?”

“Yeah?”

“Last night, when, when the wolf saw me. It wasn’t like before. It just, stayed away, lashed out. Kept hurting itself. Why didn’t it- why wasn’t it like before? Why weren’t you happy to see Padfoot?”

“You know that it’s not me!” Remus snapped. But it was a lie. He knew that he was the wolf, that he was the monster, that the wolf didn’t magically replace him on the full moon nights.

Sirius’s eyes hardened, “Is there something wrong? Do you not want me here? Because I can leave. I just thought that you would be happy to see me again after so long.”

“Yeah, I’m so fucking happy! Fucking euphoric! One of my best mates isn’t actually a criminal and a murderer!” Remus snarled. “But while you spent twelve years hating Peter and missing me, I had it the other way around! I hated you. I wanted to  _ kill _ you. I never wanted to see your face again or hear your name. I mourned Peter, who I thought died brave. And I spent twelve years thinking you killed James and Lily, and I thought of every single thing that I hated about you.”

Remus’s voice was bordering on hysterical and he knew that he should stop but he couldn’t. “A month ago I learned that you were innocent, and I’m so glad. But now I have over a decade of hatred. And yeah, most of it’s gone because you didn’t actually sell them out or kill Peter. But there’s other things. Really just two.” His vision was blurring with tears, Remus noticed absently.

“You thought I was the traitor. Fine, I thought you were too. But you said it first, and you said it because I’m a werewolf, something which has ruined my life. And that connects to the second thing. You think being friends with a werewolf is some kind of adventure. A new thing to explore. And you used it against me. You tried to make me a  _ murderer  _ over some stupid fucking schoolboy  _ grudge _ . And I hate that, I hate it so fucking much that you didn’t even bother to think about what you would be doing to me!” Remus let out a little sob, but bit his tears back.

“Moony- Remus. I, I’m so fucking sorry. God I’m so sorry,  _ I’m sorry, I can’t do anything right, I’m sorry. I’m an idiot I don’t deserve anything I should have died-“ _

Remus grabbed his shoulder, “No.  _ I’m  _ sorry. You, you didn’t deserve that. I shouldn’t have said any of that. You need to focus on healing and I’m not helping. Maybe you should, should go somewhere else where I can’t hurt you anymore.” He was always fucking things up, why had his friends stuck around so long. Everything always fell apart around him. His mother died, his father had to quit his job to support him, James and Lily had died, Sirius was in Azkaban, and Peter was- Peter didn’t deserve his love, or his pity, or anything. But Peter didn’t have a soul anymore, and there was nothing left to hate.

“No, no Moony. I can’t, I have to stay with you, you’re all I have left. I can’t see Harry, I can’t take him in yet. I, I need you. You’re helping me so much, please, Moony I can’t do this without you.” Sirius was begging, and Remus never could say no to him.

He was weak like that. Weak of will and weak of resolve and weak of character. Weak to any scrap of love he could get his hands on. “Stay,” His hoarse voice was saying. “We can do it together, we can, we can get better. Make ourselves better for Harry, for James and Lily.”

“Yeah. Yeah. For Harry. Magic, I can’t wait for him to move in next summer.”

-

“Moony, what did we do in September of second year. It was big, I remember that. Was it a prank? Was that the first time he sang to Lily? Damnit I can’t remember.” Sirius was drumming anxiously on the table, obviously distressed. “I can’t remember. Fuck. What’s missing, what’s missing, what’s missing? Moony, help, please. What was it? What was in September? Is anything else gone? Fuck, fuck! Is it all going away? It’s all going to go away, I know it is, I’m going to keep forgetting and it won’t come back, it won’t. It won’t it won’t it won’t-“

“Sirius. Remember what Healer Plunkett had you doing last week? Remember your list?” Remus gently reminded Sirius. His mind healer had finally found a system that seemed to work for Sirius when he forgot something.

Sirius’s eyes lit up and he began to recite, “Born November third, 1959. James, then Lily, then Remus, then Peter. Gryffindor. Nine howlers first week. Uric the Oddball. May. Acceptable. Twenty letters, six letters.” Sirius continued to ramble through his list, searching for the right information. “Slytherin. Bubbles. Oh, bubbles! It was the bubble prank!”

Remus let out a discrete sigh of relief. He hadn’t remembered what September was himself, despite it being the first time the Marauders had done a bigger prank. At least Sirius’s list was turning out to be helpful for him.

-

“Who are you?”

The words were innocent. Spoken so unlike Sirius. Remus wanted to scream. Because this was not his friend in front of him. This was a stranger.

“I’m terribly sorry, I just can’t seem to... remember. Remember? I’m, I’m supposed to remember, aren’t I? You’re important, and I’m supposed to remember.” Sirius was starting to twist his hair on his fingers, a sign that he was distressed. But Remus was frozen.

“Yes, you’re important. Forgetting is bad, I’m so bad. Mother will be so upset, I have to remember or she’ll be disappointed. Regulus will go hide again.” Remus gritted his teeth. Sirius could remember Walburga Black it seemed, could remember her punishments, but nothing else. Besides Regulus, it appeared.

He had to fix that. “Sirius. It’s me, Remus.”

Sirius stared at him, mind working frantically to remember. “Remus? The moon... Moony? Is that you?”

Deep breathes, he could handle this. “Yes, that’s me. I’m your friend. I’m helping you recover because you’ve been sick. Do you know where you are?”

“Home. The cabin, Lupin Cabin. Your house. Remus Lupin. My, my friend. And I’m sick, I’m getting better. Something with my emotions, my, my memories.” His hand is all tangled in his hair now. “Dementors? It was dementors that did this. And they got Peter too. My friend. And he’s, he’s gone. Oh, no, Peter’s gone. Remus, Remus, Peter won’t get better!”

Why? Why did this have to be the thing he forgot? Remus watched Sirius panic over the loss of the man that he hated. That he had tried to murder in revenge, twice. Why was the world so cruel? “Sirius, you don’t- Peter won’t get better, but you don’t want him to.”

“What, Remus, how could you say something so terrible? Peter is our friend!” A look of confusion. The first sign of memory returning. “Was our friend. Why isn’t he our friend anymore? Why, why do I hate him? Peter was our friend, he loved us, he- he betrayed Lily and James.”

The realization was quiet, and heartbreaking. It was like watching himself when he had heard about Sirius killing Peter and betraying Lily and James. It was odd, seeing Sirius speak of Peter in a heartbroken tone instead of an angry one.

“Why do I still miss him? I- I hate him! But he’s gone, he’s not even a person anymore, and he was my friend. My, brother? Reg- No. Brother of choice. And he betrayed us. He put me in Azkaban. Why does it hurt so much magic damn it!” His voice dropped to barely a whisper, “Why do I still care about him?”

“Because he was our friend, and we were brothers, and you love so, so strongly.” It was all Remus could say, and he could never say enough. So many words from books tucked inside his head yet he could never speak his mind fully. Never enough. “He’s awful, and he deserves everything he got, but we loved him.”

The two men, battered and broken and put back together wrong, held onto each other as if it would save them from the cruelty of the world. Maybe it would.

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this made me sad. Hopefully it had the same effect on you guys.


End file.
